Pushing on edge

As I write this post, I am relieved a bit than the situation I was in a few days back.

On 27th July 2017 – when CSE PT 2017 result was announced, an official seal sealed my fate dropping me in the backyard. And that was no surprise for me, that was anyway expected. After a rigorous, sincere and honest preparation of 9-10 months, everyone starts believing that the exam would be cleared which would enable the path for Mains 2017 exam. However, for me, that did not happen. I had expectation from myself that, I would be able to clear Prelims with just cut off marks.

Considering the time invested in Mains preparation which was way more than the time invested in Prelims preparation, I was excited to write mains. But you do not get what you want so easily. Perhaps I did not put enough time and effort for PT preparation and that left me devastated.

The CSE PT Exam Night

The CSE PT exam night was horrible. For the last 9-10 months, continuously I used to sleep by 23:00 – 00:00, and never woke up till 4 AM in the morning. However, that day I was not getting sleep and somehow slept by 4 AM. I hardly cry, but that day, a few drops of tear was enough to say the pain.
Not to show anyone, but my heart was crying, my whole body was crumbling.
I was crying within myself.
I was crying for not getting the expected output.
I was crying for my family who supported my every possible way but I could not live up to the expectation.
It was not a day to compare with anyone who was expected to clear Prelims, but it was a day to compare with myself, with my own input, with my own invested time. All went in vain.

I remember one instance when I was told that, “Think well before going for CSE preparation. Many students toil for several years and even then they could not clear prelims”. I remember, that day, I did not give enough importance to this statement but in a way, my time bar on the scale of several years crossed 1 unit.

With emotion,  it was very natural to give up the preparation as I was not able to clear even the first stage. That night, I was full of this thought and even the same continued for next many days. When you do not get what you prepared for diligently, it hurts. But, perhaps that much preparation was not enough. I lacked strategy somewhere and I realized it.

I left for home to meet everyone who supported me in every possible way thinking that I will get out of this situation. I enjoyed the visit and meeting and even I got boosted up. But when I came back to my room in Delhi, the same thought rapped me again. Each morning, I started reading books but I failed within next few hours. I did not have enough thrust within myself. I did not have the same zeal and same power to study again. Even I looked for some other competitive exams – prepare and get a job. It must have been easy but even that did not work for me. The situation became complex and I had to struggle with myself. My near one’s definitely supported me when I talked to them but even that did not work for me.

I started doubting myself, my own self-belief. I wasted a lot of time in futile work. You do not realize when you waste your time but you realize it later when you see that the time invested did not give any output.
I wonder, how some people continue this preparation till they do not get service. I must salute those people for their immense mental strength which I lack a little (perhaps).

It’s already been more than 45 days after prelims exam and I am doing good now, I have recovered myself. A few days back, I give up the thought of preparing any other competitive exam as that consume not only your time but also your mind. I was thinking that I just have to practice and nothing else for any parallel exam, but switching between CSE and other exam preparation is not that easy. I realized it when I did the same.

I am still recovering and I hope that I will recover soon from this grim situation and within a few days I will restart this process and hopefully, I will clear all the stage in one go this time.

With this hope, I must say thank you to you for investing your time to read my personal diary. I just wanted to share it so it is on a public blog.





From the 700m long pocket of Mecca 

While I write the title of this blog post, a lot of thoughts are crossing my mind – what to write and how to present the thoughts in a holistic way! Because Einstein said once – “If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough”. 

But the Mecca permits only a few thoughts to remain and rest filters out. Those things filter out from every part of the routine, however, they are important but the importance is time dependent. And that has been the every day, every hour and every minute routine. But few things never goes away when one sees it when one experiences it. And that is the case with each one of us. Those are very well known questions, very well known scenario and we all know it. Be it – from the sector of health and its status, be it the primary education status, be it the case of employment, or biodiversity and what not! Several issues and multiple dimensions. Given the complexity where we live, one might narrate the each dimension of an issue in few words but that certainly won’t cover the whole scenario pertaining to it. But that’s the only way to check the capability of a person and hence it is important to put a large amount of information and perception into few words – qualitatively. 

As of now?

Interwoven into the world of 150-200 words, as of now – everything starts from 50 words with a climax at around 150  words and gets concluded at the end of 200 – multiple inputs and 150-200 words output. Seems like – MISO – Multiple Input Single Output and happening 20 times very frequently – as frequent it can be – finally to be spread over a stretch of one week – to ensure the penultimate reward. How efficient will the antenna (MISO) work till the next year – is the question of the hour! And it fits in each and every situation and that happens with every concerned social animal.

In future!

But does it mean that that’s the only one year where one has to be efficient, disciplined and smart? The answer seems to be NO.

That one year just opens the beautiful world where the antenna’s output will be fed into a large system. A system that comprises of multiple dimensions – even some dimensions might not be familiar but that might exist in the very front – frontal dimension. How well these dimensions gets addressed depends on the efficiency of the antenna which is one among the crucial component of the whole system. There might be several MISO antenna working but the input of individual antenna is crucial because for a particular area only one such system will be present where only one MISO antenna will be kept in place.How efficient the MISO antenna would become is the question, and that propels the quality of 200 words!

The rigorous and ruthless struggle should not just end with one time joy but it should continue till the full stop of satisfaction level. It should go on and on and on…


A long way to go with supersonic speed.


If there is a setback!

But what if the antenna does not get activated in the specific period of time? A legit concern that every manufacturer thinks of. The process of manufacturing remains one of the crucial components and that actually cannot be summed up in 200 words. As of now- the question itself remains void which would further require no answer. And the prospective antenna must have the capacity to rebuild and remold to rise again – not for the joy that one may get after some time – but to get the field of work which can be structured as per the demand of the hour. 


Just don’t derail. Keep on moving with full vigour


Everyone has their own wish, aim and objectives to achieve as soon as possible. Likewise, this antenna too has it. The time spent in the antenna’s manufacturing is directly proportional to the sharpness of the objective and the way become more clear toward the same.

The objective is very common and that is in front of each one of us – as stated earlier. But the zeal to achieve some of them with selfless input would be the key to open the door of each hurdle and showing the way to mass, shaping the nation. But getting the field to put the input is the demand of the hour in Mecca, as of now.

Questions that remains unanswered

Several questions remain answered. Unanswered to the people who belligerently attacks with the thread of taxpayers money – (unfortunately it hurts – probably to both side), answered to those who helps in holding those thread unknowingly, unanswered to all those respected institutions where supposed(typical) output to be different from what it is going to be, unanswered to those who sees a change of stream (valid indeed!), unanswered questions about the graduation course and post facto, capability …. (Many more such questions).

Questions are many but the answer- in short term -would be one which is going to come certainly in a year of time, in long term- would be many, but the key to long term would be short term gain.


The well-laid way would answer all the questions


About Explorer Fellowship Exp

And one important thing- how about writing the Explorer Fellowship Experience – yet have not expressed the complete experience. For the time being – the same has been halted for some time which will resume strongly via the same earlier way or some other (that is going to be exciting :))- however, a long stretch of time would come the way.

Will be writing the experience of two Bharat Darshan parallelly – exciting… Is it not? Will see and will ensure that the same happen.

Answering the questions

Expressive answer- to be put on this blog – for above said questions are being sharpened daily but that doesn’t matter because that is the not the way an antenna works. But to answer those questions, this blog would rise once again after an interval of few days which might be as long as that of the manufacturing time.
Operating underground as of now! 

Eee Ohh!

How ill-articulated the article is! Seems a legit response – as the very statement in the first paragraph is not addressed. And not done because that’s the way this was supposed to be – as happening in the 700 m long pocket of the Mecca- and that’s one aspect of the grinding process. The time is great and now it has ripened to end it here.

Done till now?

If you have read till here, I wish you a very Happy New Year. Wherever you are, whoever you are, whatever you want to be, make at least one wish from your immediate neighborhood scenario that you want to look after selflessly and ensure that you rise toward the designed path in addressing the same. They are asking your contributions maybe they are silent but before their silence burst into violent loud, make sure your contribution gets counted toward the nation making.

OK. Final wish

Wishing you the very happy new year and pray that the time supports every one of us in our respective path.

Only a few fish will be selected – Happiness of being caught – Analyze in contrast 🙂
Disclaimer: The title of the post is no way related to any religion, and does not reflect any religious concern. It is written following the common saying in the place where the article is being written. Images ©Pocketful Of India, ©Prashant Kumar.