Pushing on edge

As I write this post, I am relieved a bit than the situation I was in a few days back.

On 27th July 2017 – when CSE PT 2017 result was announced, an official seal sealed my fate dropping me in the backyard. And that was no surprise for me, that was anyway expected. After a rigorous, sincere and honest preparation of 9-10 months, everyone starts believing that the exam would be cleared which would enable the path for Mains 2017 exam. However, for me, that did not happen. I had expectation from myself that, I would be able to clear Prelims with just cut off marks.

Considering the time invested in Mains preparation which was way more than the time invested in Prelims preparation, I was excited to write mains. But you do not get what you want so easily. Perhaps I did not put enough time and effort for PT preparation and that left me devastated.

The CSE PT Exam Night

The CSE PT exam night was horrible. For the last 9-10 months, continuously I used to sleep by 23:00 – 00:00, and never woke up till 4 AM in the morning. However, that day I was not getting sleep and somehow slept by 4 AM. I hardly cry, but that day, a few drops of tear was enough to say the pain.
Not to show anyone, but my heart was crying, my whole body was crumbling.
I was crying within myself.
I was crying for not getting the expected output.
I was crying for my family who supported my every possible way but I could not live up to the expectation.
It was not a day to compare with anyone who was expected to clear Prelims, but it was a day to compare with myself, with my own input, with my own invested time. All went in vain.

I remember one instance when I was told that, “Think well before going for CSE preparation. Many students toil for several years and even then they could not clear prelims”. I remember, that day, I did not give enough importance to this statement but in a way, my time bar on the scale of several years crossed 1 unit.

With emotion,  it was very natural to give up the preparation as I was not able to clear even the first stage. That night, I was full of this thought and even the same continued for next many days. When you do not get what you prepared for diligently, it hurts. But, perhaps that much preparation was not enough. I lacked strategy somewhere and I realized it.

I left for home to meet everyone who supported me in every possible way thinking that I will get out of this situation. I enjoyed the visit and meeting and even I got boosted up. But when I came back to my room in Delhi, the same thought rapped me again. Each morning, I started reading books but I failed within next few hours. I did not have enough thrust within myself. I did not have the same zeal and same power to study again. Even I looked for some other competitive exams – prepare and get a job. It must have been easy but even that did not work for me. The situation became complex and I had to struggle with myself. My near one’s definitely supported me when I talked to them but even that did not work for me.

I started doubting myself, my own self-belief. I wasted a lot of time in futile work. You do not realize when you waste your time but you realize it later when you see that the time invested did not give any output.
I wonder, how some people continue this preparation till they do not get service. I must salute those people for their immense mental strength which I lack a little (perhaps).

It’s already been more than 45 days after prelims exam and I am doing good now, I have recovered myself. A few days back, I give up the thought of preparing any other competitive exam as that consume not only your time but also your mind. I was thinking that I just have to practice and nothing else for any parallel exam, but switching between CSE and other exam preparation is not that easy. I realized it when I did the same.

I am still recovering and I hope that I will recover soon from this grim situation and within a few days I will restart this process and hopefully, I will clear all the stage in one go this time.

With this hope, I must say thank you to you for investing your time to read my personal diary. I just wanted to share it so it is on a public blog.